Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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