It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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