Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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