i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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