so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
