i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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