The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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