This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
