What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
