I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
