I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
