I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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