I just cut my nipple shaving
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
