question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
