Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
