she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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