I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize