Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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