Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize