in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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