I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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