i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
