this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
