How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
