you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
