I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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