While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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