genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize