i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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