I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
