When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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