You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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