I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
