i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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