I looked at my own cervix.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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