my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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