I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize