Will you blow on my dice?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
