honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
