1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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