Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
