i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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