So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
