alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize