Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
