I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
