If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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