Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
