I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
