i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
