I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
