Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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