I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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