It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
