I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
