nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
