I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i now understand why vodka
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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