This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
