clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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