Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
