the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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