Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
