Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
