Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
