The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
