You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
