member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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