Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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