i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
