I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There's always time for handjobs
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
