why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
