I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
