My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
