question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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