i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just puked most of my soul out..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize