I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
