I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
